The aftermath

Making life-changing decisions is daunting. I can be caught up by all the little nuances that add so many variables to the equation that my brain cannot even comprehend. Probably that’s the reason why I avoided making up my mind about moving home to my ex-girlfriend. Not making a decision for years, though, is the worst thing I could’ve done. Just because I shut my eyes, the question still lingered in the back of my mind. Unconsciously numbing my feelings to everything else in life, turning my days dull and tedious.

This miserable state also doesn’t help when it comes to making difficult choices. I questioned my love and passion towards everyone and everything, not noticing that I hadn’t been myself for a long time. I saw everything through grey lenses that filtered out all the possibilities and only highlighted the drawbacks. But I couldn’t run away from the unresolved emotions I carried for so long. They caught me only to explode and drive me into a rushed decision. I chose the easy path, picking a route blindfoldedly without trying to understand myself.

The decision, though, allowed me a little breather, but it was only a matter of time until reality hit me. Her loss was so unimaginably painful that I couldn’t hide anymore. I had to realise the only way forward is through. Facing the daemons I dreaded, taking the journey to the deepest and darkest wells of my heart. I knew I could only survive if I got to know me without covering up the piles of shit I was ashamed to confess even to myself. Admitting all my flaws, realising I’m not the person I thought I was, and definitely not I could be proud of, is really a travel through hell. But it’s the first step.

Diving into this abysmal agony finally unleashed all the emotions I held back. It was liberating but overwhelming. I felt a million things at once, and the questions just seemed to suck me in even more. I had to accept that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. At first, I went through all the “what if”s:

What if I hadn’t been afraid of sharing my feelings?
What if I had admitted sooner that I needed help and therapy?
What if I hadn’t let myself be led astray by the “wrong” values?
What if I had read “The 5 Love Languages” just a couple of months sooner?
What if I could have gone through this self-exploration without the need for a trauma?

Of course, these don’t change the current situation. They do, however, reveal what I could have done differently, which hopefully will help in the future. But they don’t help me gain valuable insights into why I did or didn’t do what I should have, giving me no real learnings to apply when I face these situations again. These questions were good for beating myself up and procrastinating a bit more before the real work started. They tricked me into thinking it won’t get any worse yet again. Then came all the why and how questions that forced me to go deep within.

Why was I afraid to put our relationship first?
Why do I really like London?
Why am I so reluctant to move back home?
How do these reasons align with the values of the person I’d like to be?
Am I actually that person I’d like to be? How do I become that?

These questions didn’t just pop up at once. By intentionally seeking the answers to one helped me discover new gaps that needed further exploration by asking new ones. This whole process made it clear to me that I indeed had to go through all that happened to get to where I am today. There are no shortcuts. I needed this experience to change the trajectory of my life. It’s somewhat comforting to void all the “what if” questions, but I still take responsibility for not trying to sort myself out while trying to stay together.

It’s a bit easier to post-rationalise what happened and self-analyse myself through the lenses of what I wish had happened instead. Although I’m in the process of changing for the better, learning to make better decisions in the future, there is simply no guarantee I won’t make the same mistakes again. It’s scary, it is absolutely terrifying to think I’d fall into the same pitfalls over again. But being afraid is exactly the reminder I need to avoid acting based on fear the next time. Just listen to my heart, because deep down, I always knew what would have been the right decision. I just didn’t have the guts to take the leap.

“Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else, and it would have just as much meaning.”

This is my cue to take the risk when in doubt. Because no matter how scary it may seem, if we’re willing to make it work, it’s going to be all right. And again, not making a decision is basically giving away the control over my life, which now I know where it leads to. But even though it hurts how quickly she moved on, I’m not angry nor can I blame her. I’m a firm believer that we’re not who we say we are. We are what we do. I had almost 4 years to express my love, but my actions were telling a somewhat different story, giving her more than enough time to detach…

Lucky me, I’m just getting started, and there are tons of things to unpack and learn from. So here is to the journey that’s hopefully going to mould me into who I want to become.

Sunday, 23 March 2025