Seeking validation

I’ve been lost for years. I didn’t want to admit it, though. It wasn’t the feeling of not being where I think I should be that made it difficult to accept it. It’s the feeling of getting further away from it should I admit. I would have rather stayed in one place than moving backwards. I would have despised the version of me who just doesn’t know the way forward. I was afraid that my partner would feel the same way. So I tried to keep it in and cover it with other means instead of understanding the underlying cause why I sought external validation. I didn’t realise all the pitfalls of it.

The most obvious one is that I’ll never know precisely what others would expect of me. Therefore, I could only act on assumptions. Furthermore, there are no two people with the exact same preferences. Hence, I would always disappoint some people. So then how do I decide whose preferences I should shoot for? If I could only pick one, it might as well be my own. It’s fine to contemplate what others would do in certain situations, but I shouldn’t just blindly copy them. It has to align with me.

Making those assumptions also leads me to compensate for things that are not part of the issue. My ex was super driven at work, but I was in my era where I valued a healthy work-life balance. I didn’t want to seem lazy or useless, so I pushed myself at running, putting it above everything else. I wanted to prove her that I can work hard for my goals as well. So I burnt all my energy putting the effort into something that she didn’t need proof of. I could have used that fuel to work on actual problems, like how to be more supportive or emotionally available.

Collecting others’ validation soothes my soul that allows me to uphold a fake image that covers up my shortcomings. But not admitting them hides me from more than just myself. It hides me from the people who love me. Only including them in my successes but not my miseries is not how I protect them. It is a selfish way of excluding them from my life. Not giving them the chance to know me fully. Robbing them from the opportunity to help me. Which isn’t a burden but an uplifting experience for both sides.

Being ashamed and not honest about who I am means I don’t trust my loved ones to accept me. It’s actually quite appalling from their point of view if I think about it. Of course, it was never about them; it’s my own self-doubt. But the longer I hide, the more of their love is getting wasted on the wrong person. I never realised that, but it seems pretty selfish, taking their love for granted as if it wouldn’t cost time and energy.

The biggest issue with longing for validation is when I actually get it. Once it happens, I no longer feel responsible for taking care of any issue I tried to cover. Because now I feel accepted, so why bother changing anything? But problems without resolution will bubble up to the surface sooner or later. When it does, I’ll have the choice to finally deal with it or get back to trying to compensate with something else again.

Distracting myself though is a missed opportunity to grow as a person. Staying in this vicious cycle equals not taking ownership of my own needs. Letting others’ judgement be in control, and feeling like a victim when things don’t go my way. I can’t be like that. It’s time for me to start looking for what I need and stop caring about what other people might think.

Changing is scary because things might get worse before they get better. Just like how answering questions on Agapé made it awfully awkward for a minute until I had my revelation.

Agapé is an app we used to use to build deeper connection by answering personal questions daily. But we stopped doing it a long time ago. After the breakup, I realised those questions can still help me understand my past behaviours and see what I’d do differently now. I convinced myself she doesn’t have the app installed on her new phone and started answering again. Of course, I was lying to myself, which became quite apparent when she actually did check those answers. Deep down, I hoped that she would see eventually that I changed. That I’m more aligned with the person she needed when we were still dating. Or that I’m someone new, better perhaps, that would be a mistake to miss out on. I was longing for her approval to redeem myself.

Then it hit me. Craving others’ approval is what leads me astray. I can’t delegate my responsibilities to others based on how I assume they would like me to behave. It’s time to carry the consequences of my decisions, learn from them, and make better ones in the future. Lastly, I shall not be afraid of silly little mistakes like these. They accelerate the learning through embarrassing moments that have the power to open my eyes.

Saturday, 10 May 2025