Return Void

I quit my job, and I feel super light. Almost like the gravity has no effect on me. Just hovering over the surface an inch or so. The sensation in my chest that recently felt like pressure and vacuum at the same time is just an empty space now. It’s completely quiet and safe, patiently waiting to be filled.

The sudden silence reveals how much noise I used to let in. Noise that demanded my attention 24/7. And by doing so, it made me feel small. As if it was squashing me into a tiny little hole in which I had to tuck my neck, pull up my knees to my chest, and keep my elbows close to my ribs just to fit in. Leaving me no personal space, no clear vision ahead, and not even much air to breathe. Slowly suffocating me without noticing. But almost like the ANC just has been turned on on my headphone, the noise can’t get to me anymore. It’s still out there, buzzing, but I’m way out of its reach. I once again retained my own space, not just to stand tall but to move freely.

Honestly, I had expected to feel this way after the breakup, but it was the exact opposite. Despite the panic attacks, anxiety, and stress making me lose 10% of my weight, I felt heavier than ever before. I guess it was my body’s way to tell me that perhaps it wasn’t the smartest decision. So after the dust has settled, I had to keep looking for ways to sort myself out.

Quitting my job was on the list for some time now, but I was too scared. As a symptom of my depression, before starting something, I needed to know every detail in advance to be able to eliminate all the risks. Which of course I can’t. Hence, I tried to play it safe without recognising the risk that comes with choosing the “easy” path. Somewhere along the way I forgot that the purpose of building a comfortable life had never been to have an easy life. It was to make space for the hard things. I’ve been in my comfort zone for way too long, not willing to do the hard things. Neither for me nor for others, hurting everyone. Not working in the unforeseeable future might seem like I’m doubling down on this attitude. But I like to look at it from a different perspective. I’m throwing myself into the deep end to learn how to swim again. Not to please my manager or any customers, but to rediscover my self-worth, silencing my harshest critic, me.

I know it’s scary to bet on yourself, but if you don’t, nobody else will. ¹

Apart from not knowing what an unemployed life entails, I was afraid of the things that I know about myself. I’m not really good at taking advantage of my free time. I tend to waste it, which just adds to my guilt and anxiety. But this time it’s different. My mind and body are in sync. No stressing over the unknowns, no anxiety over achieving something big. My body calmed down, knowing that I have understood what it was trying to tell me. Now it trusts me that I finally can make the right decisions. It trusts that I know what I need. It filters out the noise of the world, so I can listen inwards, to see what’s in tune with my soul. It gives me freedom and space to try things out, to see what works and what doesn’t. And it trusts me that no matter what I’ll do it’s going to work out in the end.

I’m calm. I don’t have the urge to leave the table immediately after I finish brunch. There is no pressure to be constantly productive. This slow and relaxed environment is where I can thrive. Where it’s not a waste of time if something doesn’t turn out exactly how I imagined. Where being curious doesn’t come with the expectation of turning every idea into a dollar. Because the goal isn’t to make money. The goal is to get my spark back. To learn with excitement, create with passion, and rediscover the little joys in life.

1: Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother, S4 E3

Tuesday, 20 May 2025