The freedom in changing for others

Since I can remember, I always wanted freedom. I never settled on what freedom is really, but looking back on my feelings and actions, it seems like I craved full control over my life. While reducing responsibility… What a silly thing to wish for.

First of all, I can’t escape what life keeps throwing at me. That is out of my control. And some of those situations could be where none of the possible actions I can take is something I’m comfortable with. So I just need to suck it up and get on with it instead of dwelling and suffering. Secondly, there is no action without a decision, and there is no decision without responsibility. And frankly, taking responsibility for our actions is what gives them meaning and value. Why try to avoid it?

Of course, in order to realise this, I had to make some seriously stupid decisions that questioned my whole identity and core values. I always thought doing anything with great importance has to come from inside. I have to want to do it intrinsically. Otherwise, it feels like I’m doing it for the wrong reasons, to satisfy others’ expectations or avoid their judgments. It didn’t feel pure nor honest, it felt tainted. With things that mattered, even my ex didn’t appreciate me doing something just for her, she wanted me to want to do it. Not just because of an external pressure. Also I was simply afraid that a ”forced” move will make me miserable and I’ll despise her for making me do this. When looking through the lenses of responsibility it would have made me feel like a real team player, who puts us above me. Acting for something greater than my own convenience. Instead of feeling miserable it could have actually made me feel good that I’m a person who I can be proud of.

At that time though, I felt like giving away my freedom of choice that was out of character to me. Processing the breakup helped me to acquire a new perspective on the matter. When in disagreement, the will to ask the hard questions that ultimately challenge my core values is the most selfless thing I can do for someone. That doesn’t necessarily mean that I’ll end up changing them, but it increases the chances. It will help me understand how strongly those things contribute to my identity and why they do so in the first place. Getting to myself so deeply to know what parts of me I can leave behind for us is the ultimate gift for the relationship. Even if the initial idea didn’t come from me, being brave enough to face myself and tear down my preconceptions for us is romantic. Too bad I experienced this mindset shift after the break-up. But I guess I’m not alone with this after all. She couldn’t commit to running while we were together. I can’t help but assume the break-up liberated her from the sense of doing it for the wrong reasons. To comply with my expectations, bending under peer pressure, instead of doing it for herself or for her own unique purpose.

I guess another aspect that prevented changing myself for someone else is my ego. The expectation of change can feel like a personal attack, as if the other person wouldn’t accept me. Which is kind of true, but the framing makes a huge difference. Instead of an attack I could have seen that as an opportunity to make my significant other that much happier. Getting to know her better and taking an action to get closer to her. Why wouldn’t I want to do such things? Coming from this mindset, giving up a little piece of me seems like the purest expression of love.

And at the end of the day, whether or not I’m going to change for someone else, or more precisely for the relationship, is really my own decision. It cannot be forced when I am confident in who I am and who I’d like to become. This confidence is how I could retain my freedom while knowing that the change is now aligned with the new me. Which also silences the argument that I’m only doing it to comply. Because the new person I’m becoming really does want it too.

Friday, 28 March 2025