Sad but glad

Seems like these two emotions are not mutually exclusive after all. It’s definitely a weird combination, and their intensity is never equal, they fluctuate quite a bit.

One of my biggest pleasures in life is running when I’m able to. Apart from being addicted to bettering myself, the clarity and calmness an easy run can bring me is unparalleled. Regardless of the season and the weather, there is always something beautiful and soul-soothing about them. You learn to appreciate the uniqueness of them. Knowing that the next one is going to be different inspires me to be present and soak it all in while it lasts. Other days, it helps me turn inward to focus on and overcome the situation I’m dealing with. It helps me take the complex problems apart so I can put the pieces back together the way that fits me to find a solution.

But no matter the intention, at the end, I’m just going to feel better mentally and perhaps physically as well. It’s an infinite source of joy, inspiration, support, or whatever you’d like to take out of it. I can explore my environment or the layers to my soul through different lenses with each run, depending on my current needs.

The best feeling though is to be able to share these experiences with others, especially with my loved ones. Of course, I can’t force them to run, all I can do is constantly showing up and preaching to maybe inspire them. Although I never wanted to inspire others just to run, but to find their own passion that fuels them as much as running fuels me. Find their joy and purpose to work for. Because even though running is fun, it is also a work to do it consistently.

I always hoped to get my ex into running so we can do it regularly to share these intimate moments that it can bring out of us. The self-exploration, the soul-searching, reflection, and understanding of one self. This felt like we could build an unbreakable bond through this. But just like I wasn’t willing to do hard things for her unless it came from within, she wasn’t willing to commit to running either. But that’s a topic for another time.

After we broke up, she decided to sign up for a half-marathon race. She was committed to her training even through difficult times. I understand that it’s just different when you do something for yourself without having the slightest sense of doing it to satisfy the expectations of others. Still, it cuts really deep. I always dreamt of all the runs we could have done together in beautiful places, but it never happened. Apart from the bleeding wound, though, I’m glad she finally found the upsides and the joy of running. Because one thing is for sure, you can’t sign up and power through a half-marathon training program hating it. And you definitely cannot blast out such an amazing time without enjoying it.

I don’t know, and it doesn’t truly matter if I had the slightest contribution to this journey she’s on, but I’m genuinely glad that the person I used to deeply care about has this newfound connection to running. I really hope it’ll bring as much value to her life as it brought me.

Sunday, 6 April 2025