Double standard

I always believed that my obsession with running could inspire people. Not to run per se, but to obsession itself. That I’m willing to subject myself to ridicule for it and I’d still remain dedicated afterwards. That I put in the work day in and day out, because that’s how I’ll get where I’d like to be.

Surrounding myself with like-minded people makes this so much easier. We share the same passion, which helps me have a sense of belonging, connection, and acceptance. I’m in a privileged position to train at the very best club, amongst the best runners in London. Even though racing together is fun, trying to hold onto dear life in our sessions every week is how we really bond. Being in a slower group myself is another great motivator. Experiencing it firsthand where I could potentially get to. My peers push and pull me to and through those starting and finish lines just by being there doing what they love. This is how they make me better.

While this helps me push myself in running, it also keeps me in my comfort zone from a different aspect. It’s convenient to learn and be impressed by others when I do exactly the same thing. I don’t get to internalise and translate a completely different domain to find my own personal takeaways. I can just simply talk to them, asking targeted questions to adjust their approach to fit my purpose, without researching hundreds of pages. And since we’re peers, I also feel safe to ask potentially stupid questions when I need help. I don’t get to overcome the fear of embarrassing myself.

I’m a firm believer that I could and should find inspiration in anyone and anything that surrounds me. Then I’ll have an infinite pool to draw inspiration from. This is exactly how I’d like others to use my running obsession. I’m happy if I contribute to someone’s running journey, but I hope that they do take more out of it than just running. Learning what dedication means and how to have a plan and adjust it when necessary. But most importantly, how to pursue a goal.

Yet, I couldn’t handle it when my ex put in all the hard work into her career. I made it about myself in the wrong way. I felt hurt by the very thing I thought could inspire others: obsession and dedication. It revealed that I couldn’t utilise and put my own message into practice in real life. I should have been fuelled by her efforts, how she always went above and beyond in her job every single day. I should have been inspired to better myself instead of feeling sorry for myself. Of course, I was immensely proud of her, seeing how she went through all the hardship every day to reach her goals. But because of my wounded ego, I couldn’t even express how proud I was of her.

Looking back on how I prioritised my running over our relationship, believing that the message I wanted to convey justified it, is absolutely saddening. Especially given that I didn’t even practice what I preached. I wasn’t only a terrible partner, but I also measured things by a double standard.

Friday, 18 April 2025