Running clockwise

For the first time ever, I ran around Pismány in a clockwise direction. It doesn’t seem like something worth even mentioning. But for me, it was significant. Not in terms of running, even though the elevation profile made it a surprisingly distinct route. It’s a huge step mentally. In the past 10 years, I ran around it more than a hundred times, not once in a clockwise direction. That’s a good reflection of how rigid my mind is. I’m always fixed on doing things in a single way. I’m certain that it’s “the right way”. And once I decided there was no other way for me.

Running around the opposite way gave me a new perspective. A reminder that I’m able to adapt and be flexible. I don’t need to travel around the world, jump out of airplanes, or run ultra marathons to get out of my comfort zone. I just need to change the direction, and I already stepped out of it. That’s how shrunken it was. Yet, I stayed there for so long that it suffocated me. Without realising, it made me miserable, and I passed that misery to the people around me.

That wasn’t the only change today. I allowed myself to walk up a hill when it got tough. I never could have imagined being this lenient with myself. My ego simply wouldn’t let me walk. Usually, when it gets hard, I expect more of myself. I force myself to run through walls, not noticing that breaking too many walls will eventually break me. I never realised that it’s fine to walk around them from time to time.

There is nothing heroic about bullying yourself into submission. Be present and be patient with yourself. ¹

When I couldn’t run my marathons, I thought the salvation lay in training even harder. Putting the bar higher seemed to be the only way to compensate for my failures. In hindsight, it wasn’t a good coping mechanism. I didn’t allow myself to process and accept what had happened. I ignored the pain and put more pain on top. As a result, I stopped loving myself until I could prove I was worthy of love. And I thought everyone felt the same. Because of this, I was afraid that showing my love wouldn’t be reciprocated. But unconditional love doesn’t expect anything in return. Putting my self-worth in others’ love also undermines the idea of unconditional love. Which — it’s funny I even have to remind myself — doesn’t depend on my running performance. So to avoid negative thoughts, I just simply tried to shut down my emotions. That’s why I couldn’t express my love for others even when they needed it.

Lastly, I finally overcame my guilt of not running in the morning. There was a time when I could easily wake up at 5:30 a.m. and get done with it by 7. But as my depression started to creep in, my sleep quality started to suffer so much that regardless of how many hours I slept, I always felt tired. Instead of allowing myself to recharge, recover, and fit my runs whenever I could, I kept forcing myself to make it the first thing in the morning. Feeling frustrated and guilty when I couldn’t, beating myself up to make my depression even worse day by day. Lately, I don’t schedule my day around my runs, but schedule my run around my day. Even internalised Coach Bennett’s wisdom that I don’t have to run every day, to be a runner every day.

Today’s run helped me to turn it from being my enemy into what it really should be, my ally again. But it was definitely more than just about running. It was about embracing a version of myself who allows and accepts mistakes as they give room for improvements. It was the symbol of change. For the better.

1: Andy Puddicombe, A Whole Run, Nike Run Club

Sunday, 20 April 2025