Deceiving circumstances

Last weekend I paid a short visit to London to support my friends in the marathon. It’s funny that I felt the same about it as how I used to feel about Budapest. Well, not exactly funny per se, more like ironic and revealing. Honestly, a day before it, I didn’t want to go at all. It felt like a huge burden that I wasn’t sure I could or wanted to deal with. This exact same feeling fooled me into thinking I don’t like Hungary. Except this time I knew it wasn’t about London at all. Which begs the question: were my concerns ever about Budapest? Probably not.

I used to love coming home. When I only did so about 2 to 3 times a year, for longer periods like 2 or 3 weeks each. Those were great occasions to catch up with the family and all the friends without having an overwhelmingly packed schedule. I knew I’d have more than enough time for everyone and I didn’t have to overcommit. It wasn’t exhausting, on the contrary, it felt refreshing. I actually needed that.

Then the frequency of the visits started to ramp up while their duration got significantly shortened. Yet I treated them the same way, trying to catch up with as many people as possible. I didn’t realise that the purpose of the trips had changed. It should have been about a single person. My girlfriend. To spend quality time with her, building a stronger connection. Every time I visited her our schedule was tight. Working during the day, socialising in the evenings and only having private time for each other at night when I was already knackered. Not only made this difficult to be invested in each other but it was a super draining experience. After every visit I felt like I needed weeks to recharge and by the time I managed just that, the next visit was already upon us. It wasn’t easy, especially for an introvert.

The flat share my ex lived in at the time didn’t make it a pleasant experience either. Staying with 2 other strangers, with a toxic landlord who was bossing around everyone and a living space reduced to a kitchen table and a 1.2m high gallery is not an ideal setup. I felt super restricted, dependent, and vulnerable. Especially given I’d been living alone for years, it was a huge shift having to comply with all this.

Unfortunately, I didn’t notice that these circumstances tainted my perception of Hungary, making me believe I could not live here anymore. Well, not under these circumstances for sure. Constantly running from one social event to another, not resting, not having our proper place, costing us our own quality time together. My ex started to take this personally, feeling that even her presence couldn’t compensate for all the things I got frustrated by. She was the only reason I kept coming, yet my misery ruined it for both of us.

After we broke up, she moved into a new place. Not a fancy one, but it was her own, with proper living space and no stupid restrictions by flatmates. It was during Christmas when I saw her again. We met without having to squeeze in a lot of other programs into our agendas. We finally got our quality time and a private space. I felt calm and content. It was the first time in 4 years that I felt I could move back home and be happy. But the recent memories of the past still lingered, keeping me in fear to make a decision. By the time I realised this it was already too late.

On this short trip to London, the circumstances were the same as on most of my Budapest trips. Traveling half a day twice just to be there for a packed and exhausting 24 hours. It felt overwhelming just to think about it. It was tiring indeed, but having to see the GOAT himself and my mates smashing the marathon made up for it tenfold. So perhaps all that misery in the past was just an over-exaggeration of the negative circumstances without weighing in all the good. Even if those negative thoughts were true, like the suboptimal living situation or the overcrowded schedules, they could have been under my control to change them. Only if I had dug deeper, not accepting the false perception that my problem is with Hungary itself, I could have easily adjusted what triggered me. I guess it was just way easier to be caught up in the negative thinking, feeling like a victim.

Wednesday, 30 April 2025