Do I look happy?

The pain is more acute. I never had a real chance. Just a little taste. The sweetest one yet.

At least in my previous relationships, I had the time to discover all the bitterness while the sweetness of it slowly but completely faded. But now it’s like an insulin spike with a massive crash afterwards. The one that makes me feel dizzy and faint.

But I don’t have glucose with me, I can’t do anything, just wait. Wait until it slowly restores to normal. Even if it feels like I’m barely alive.

You’re gonna get your heart broken though. Contrary to how it feels, it won’t kill you. ¹

I’m in Hong Kong. And I’m starting to think that travelling with a heartbreak is not for me. Or maybe a city this different from my usual environment is not for me. My mind is clouded, but I don’t know how much the different factors contribute.

I’m anxious, have lost my appetite, especially for food I’m not even familiar with. So I’m low on energy and I’m irritable. I don’t want to go out and don’t want to explore. I’d just like to avoid any, even the slightest discomfort. Because I’m already in hell.

But slowing down in a place so far from home that has so much to offer makes me feel even more anxious. Seems like a missed opportunity. Wasted time and money.

So I made a deal with myself: take the mornings slow, then seize the afternoons. I usually go out between 11 am and noon to try and do something. Anything really, just to ease the guilt. But it’s hard to enjoy anything, which just puts yet another layer on my guilt. Splendid.

Now I feel really unaccomplished and uninspired. I’m afraid I lost my motivation to keep up with my daily habits. I only started picking up again a month or so ago. I gotta admit, I wanted to be the best version of myself, not just for me, but mainly for her. For us. To be someone that is able to protect, provide, and support. Someone she can also do all kinds of leisurely activities with, to share moments that light up our skies.

When I do things just for me, I tend to lose motivation and accountability. And I’m afraid now. I don’t want to be who I was at my lowest.

And we all wanna be happy Do I look happy to you? Do I look happy? ²

Maybe this time it will be different. I know my weaknesses now. I can articulate them clearly. I also know what I’d like to do and what I’d like to avoid. But at the same time, the feeling of hopelessness, like nothing matters anymore, might help me care less — or not at all — about what others think. Maybe I’m finally on the path of becoming fully myself.

To save myself.

Monday, 6 July 2026