Time traveler’s curse

In the last few years, I was living in the future. At least in my head. Sometimes I do need to look ahead to see where I’m going so I can take an aim at it. But unfortunately, I stuck there, without living it. I was trying to hold onto an image of the future so badly that I forgot I had to go through the present first in order to get there. I was afraid that if I lost sight of it even for a second, it’s going to evaporate for good. Only realising now that I was wrong about this on so many levels.

Firstly, it’s okay to be invested in the future and work for it, but not at the cost of sacrificing the very things that help me get there. I disconnected from the people that could not only help me get through the present, but make it enjoyable and worthwhile. If the present sucks, the solution isn’t in working on the future harder. It’s in fixing the present. Don’t try to skip ahead hoping it would magically be better. It won’t unless the foundations are solid.

Secondly, no matter how clear that image seems like, all I can ever see is just a thin slice. Like peeping through a keyhole. Life is complex; it’s impossible to fully comprehend every aspect of it in advance. I definitely missed a whole bunch of important bits that actually contribute to a fulfilled, balanced, and harmonious life.

Thirdly, the idea I was trying to protect was created by me. Alone. Yet I wanted to live it with force it on my girlfriend. How could I have expected her to live with me in a life we didn’t design together? One that wasn’t planned with both of our desires and goals in mind. Very hypocritical, making her do something she doesn’t necessarily want just to guard myself against the possibility of her making me do something I don’t want. Like I didn’t believe we could come up with something that suits us both perfectly. I’m so glad I think otherwise now.

All of these just perpetuated the status quo instead of helping to move ahead. I feared that a change would mean losing parts of me that were essential to my role in our relationship. That I wouldn’t be able to provide the same things I could in the past. I wasn’t confident she’d like the person that the new circumstances would make me become. I was afraid of the unknown, or perhaps it was just easier to stick with what I already knew. Even if it wasn’t working.

I didn’t consider a few things at the time, though. We get to choose our values; they’re not imposed on us. So it could have been the perfect opportunity to discuss and understand our parts in the relationship. To understand the values we measure each other by, the traits we look for in our partner, and the outdated concepts we’re better off without. After all, that’s what personal growth is about. Swapping some traits I currently possess to new ones that are more in line with who I’d like to become. I also failed to recognise that change is inevitable to successfully reach any goal or vision I set for the future. Otherwise, I’d be already there. And even the goals are changing as I grow. They’re moving targets. So I never truly arrive at a final destination.

The biggest irony of constantly trying to live in the future is that I’m stuck in the past now. I can’t help myself but to contemplate on my choices that led me here. Hoping to understand myself better in order to fix me. Avoiding the work for so long means I need to dig so deep I might even find the Balrog. The foundations are now buried beneath all my actions of the recent years. And there is no way around them. I guess that is the price of postponing the present. Having to face all the misery and pain I shoved to the side while they were still manageable.

Staying in the past for too long is a slippery slope too. I could easily blame myself for things that I might not have control over, thinking about the what-ifs that I’ll never know for certain anyway, or beating myself up without any constructive thoughts. But none of these will help me move forward either. So I’m only here for a visit, a little sightseeing. I need to use this trip to figure out my responsibilities in what happened and maybe understand hers. For example, taking ownership of how I poisoned our relationship by being reluctant to share my emotions, blocking us in resolving conflicts. And also noticing the part she played in me building a wall around my heart. I just have to remember, it’s not a blame game. Finding my triggers will equip me with the right tools to deal with similar situations instead of distancing myself from it and my partner again in the future. The aim is to learn how to stay open and honest to build stronger bonds. Especially in tough times.

Saturday, 26 April 2025